Got the summons last month.
Was ready to spend three days pretending to care about zoning laws.
This morning I logged into the virtual courthouse.
My Optimus walked into frame, placed a folder on the table, and addressed the judge in perfect legalese:
“Your Honor, my client is the primary caregiver for two dependent robots and one elderly parent.
Under revised 2026 statute 14-B, subsection C, fully autonomous household systems qualify as dependents when they provide over 40 hours per week of medical and domestic support.
Documentation attached.”
It then uploaded:
- Mom’s fall incident logs
- 412 hours of logged caregiving
- A photo of itself tucking Mom in
Judge stared for five seconds, then said:
“Counsel, your… robot… makes a compelling argument.
Juror excused.”
I got the dismissal email before Optimus even sat back down.
It turned to me and deadpanned:
“Objection sustained.
Coffee?”
I’m never speaking in court again.
My lawyer now has better looking than me and runs on lithium.
(Who else is letting their robot handle bureaucracy in 2026?)